My Story

My health journey has been a long road, full of ups and downs and learning curves.

When I was young I hated exercise, so much so that I faked multiple sprained ankles or stomach bugs throughout my school years, specifically on the days I discovered we had to run cross country.

My hatred for exercise stemmed from not being very good at it. I wasn’t naturally gifted with the genetics of an athlete, nor was I raised in an environment where sport or fitness was encouraged. My early childhood was focused primarily on the needs of my disabled mother, who suffered from Multiple Sclerosis. Just getting from point A to point B was difficult enough for someone with this illness, and as I spent much of my time caring for her, it meant my own activity was very limited.

I was unfit overweight and extremely self-conscious. Exercising in front of my peers was humiliating. Exercise felt like just another way for me to feel insecure about myself. I had zero self-confidence, and chronically low self-esteem and would have been more than happy to hide under a rock until puberty passed me by.

Growing up I learned very little about what type of foods I should eat and what foods I should limit, and I had even less understanding of nutrients or portion control. Both my mother and grandmother were larger women and would tell me we were ‘big boned’, leading me to believe there was very little I could do about my composition. That’s just who I was. The people I trusted the most convinced me there was no way to change this fundamental part of me and it left me feeling defeated.

My family instilled in me a warped view of food. My father's side were feeders, every time I visited a relative I was given more food than was necessary and they were offended if you didn’t eat everything put in front of you. This

was their way of showing love.

On the other hand, my mother had her own personal issues with food. On her unhappier days, she would often torment me, telling me I was fat and making nasty comments when she would find me eating. I now realize this was a defence mechanism because she herself felt so miserable in her own shoes and I was the only one to take it out on, but this definitely amplified my guilt surrounding food.

At the age of 10, I was sent to a military boarding school, my Dad had been in the Navy and it was decided that it was in my best interest to live away from home as my mother’s disease had progressed so rapidly that she really could not care for me. These were some of the worst years of my life, I was depressed, lonely, and full of self-hatred.

As I entered my teenage years, my feelings of exclusion and self-doubt grew deeper and stronger, and I eventually developed tendencies toward self-harm. This manifested in various forms, from physically hurting myself to several versions of disordered eating. Sometimes I was starving myself, sometimes I was bingeing and purging. It didn’t matter what I did, the weight stayed and so did the

daily guilt and consistent unhappiness.

It wasn’t until I was around 20 years old that I began to make some changes.

I really wanted to lose some weight, feel good about myself and improve my energy.

I dived deep into extreme restrictive dieting. I was eating nothing but salad and fruit and swimming or cycling 5 times per week. My mood lifted when I began to lose some weight and I became obsessed with chasing the high I felt when someone told me I looked slimmer. I also began making friends and partying quite a lot during these years, and I always saw it as an achievement when I had missed several meals and felt at my slimmest.

Looking back now, I realize how unhealthy this lifestyle was and that I had no notion at the time of physical health, mental well-being or how to lose weight in the healthiest and most sustainable way. I had no idea about building muscle, keeping weight off long-term or maintaining any level of fitness. My current size and weight were always the most important things on my mind.

I had always been desperate to go travelling and finally decided to head out into the world on my own.

As soon as I set off travelling, the structure and routine that I had been using to keep the weight off fell away. I also wasn’t partying and

not eating for three days at a time anymore. The weight very quickly piled back on and I had very little energy or lust for life, I just felt more frustrated than ever. I was once again completely lost. I had yet to discover the principles that I have now developed and implemented in myself that truly changed my behavioural habits for the long term.

I had the drive and determination to change, I just had to figure out how to do it properly.

I decided to hire a personal trainer and over the course of one year, I learned as much as I could from her. I realized that exercising didn’t have to be torture and that coming to the gym could actually be fun. As I learned and was able to do more, I became more confident, developing my self-efficacy and making me feel more comfortable in the gym. I finally didn’t feel out of place or embarrassed to be there, I was working my ass off trying to make a difference in my life. People at the gym are not judging you, they are silently cheering you on.

Even though my fitness was progressing, I still struggled with diet and nutrition. My mental health still needed work and my infatuation with weight loss remained.

I spent a year or two trying out different eating patterns until I found what worked best for me. This turned out to be a huge learning process for me. it became a series of trial and error until I finally realized that I was able to have a healthy relationship with food and that fear, guilt and shame didn't need to rule my life. I now feel more confident than ever in choosing food for myself every day and I never feel the need to binge, overeat or indulge in toxic behaviours around food.

Food is what we need to maintain a healthy hormone balance - I had irregular periods, mood swings and recurring hormonal acne for years. I now have regular periods, a balanced mindset and clear skin.

Food is what we need for energy and muscle building - even though I lost weight, I didn’t build muscle or strength and the weight constantly yo-yo'd. I now lift heavier than I ever have, can work out more often and for longer, have built more muscle and feel strong, powerful and energetic.

Food is what we need for a happy life - I spent years tormenting myself with food, bouncing between starvation and emotional binge eating and not knowing how to fuel my body or enjoy food free of guilt.

I now regularly enjoy foods I love, I have a healthy, less compulsive psychological relationship with food, I feel balanced and genuinely want to eat a more sustainable diet because it makes me feel so good.

The main thing that has massively improved by implementing a regular exercise routine and eating a planned diet is my mental healt

h. I now feel capable, and strong and have a gr

eat love for myself that took years to gradually build. All of this took a lot of work and commitment and has instilled a strong sense of pride in myself.

I have gone on to complete a Fitness Nutrition Specialist qualification as well as my Personal Training certification. I believe that through all of my experiences I now possess the tools to overcome setbacks and live a balanced lifestyle with long-term goals in mind. I hope to pass on my deeper understanding to anyone who has the desire to change their lifestyle.

For those just setting out on their own self-care journey, whether you want to lose weight, build muscle, feel better, overcome depression and anxiety or just generally improve your health, remember that everyone begins somewhere. It’s okay that you don’t yet feel confident in the gym or that you are nervous to

make those initial changes. I know exactly what it feels like to live with the belief that you are not capable of change. Believe me, you are. Just take the first step.

Hiring a personal trainer or a nutrition coach can vastly improve your chances of sticking to your goals and helping you learn techniques that will lead to long-term change.

Contact me for a free consultation.