Are You a Victim of Self Sabotage?

Although it’s unlikely that any of us get up each day and purposefully set out to ruin our progress, for many people there is a subset of behaviors that when gone unmanaged hold them back from success. 

Most people have had some sort of goal in life at some point. Whether it’s to get into better shape,  get a promotion at work, or pass an exam, we’ve all envisioned an achievement we would love to reach. 

So why are some people able to reach their goals more effortlessly than others? 

No one truly wants to get in their own way, but the mind can be sneaky and sometimes we unconsciously thwart our efforts towards a perceived goal by engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors. 

Self-sabotage usually stems from inner fears of failure or inadequacy. If you believe deep down that you aren’t capable of success, you may inadvertently give up before getting started. You may exhibit any combination of behaviors that enable you to perpetuate a cycle of failure. The self-fulfilling prophecy theory is that you don’t believe you can do something, so you hinder your efforts to complete the task, which solidifies your belief that you can’t do it. 

For example, you may have told yourself you were going to get up early and go to the gym in the morning. A new habit you want to implement. The night before, you decide not to pack a bag or organize yourself for the morning. You stay up late watching TV. The alarm goes off in the morning, you hit snooze. When you do get up, there now isn’t enough time to get ready for the gym and make it to work on time, so you skip the gym. 

Potentially, deep down, you feel nervous about going to the gym because you feel out of shape. Your inner narrative says “I don’t belong here”, or “People are judging me”, so it’s easier to put off going. In the end, these behaviors can make you feel worse. You may spend the day beating yourself up, feeling guilty for missing the gym, and continue to doubt your abilities. So was it really the easier option? 

There are many ways in which we can self-sabotage, and it may appear in many aspects of our lives. From relationships, careers, and finances to health and fitness, it’s likely if you sabotage yourself in one of these areas, you probably do it in many. Issues that arise from one area tend to translate into others. 

For example, if your romantic relationship breaks down it can cause feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt. You may think, ‘Well what’s the point in taking care of myself?’  leading you to give up on yourself and succumb to negative behaviors such as overeating or binge drinking. 

So why do so many of us fall victim to self-sabotage? 

Like many other behaviors and beliefs we cling to in adult life, it may be triggered by past childhood traumas. There may have been times as a child when you weren’t capable of managing a situation, therefore in later life feel overwhelmed or unable to deal with stressful situations. Our coping mechanisms develop early on, and if we haven’t learned healthy strategies to overcome tough times as a child then we may be unable to handle stress effectively as an adult. 

You may suffer from a fear of failure, a fear of change, or even a fear of success. 

When our values don’t align with our actions, we become victims of an uncomfortable phenomenon called cognitive dissonance. This is when we hold contradictory beliefs and experience a tug-of-war-like struggle between them. 

For example, imagine you have decided you want to be healthier, but instead of going to the gym or eating a healthy meal at home, you go out drinking. Even though deep down you know this behavior does not align with who you want to be, you do it anyway. 

Here are more examples of some of the ways you could be self-sabotaging - 

Taking on too much 

There is no crime in living a busy life and having a brimming schedule, but could you possibly be cramming your calendar to avoid certain tasks that you regularly put off?

Let's say you plan to go to the gym, but you have made so many other commitments that it is simply going to be impossible for you to find the time to work out. You could be saying yes to everything, extra shifts at work, coffee dates with friends, favors for your family, but in the end, you find yourself unable to get that workout done because you are far too busy with seemingly more important things. 

Inability to set boundaries

An inability to say no can stem from a lack of confidence in yourself, and wanting to please others. Having no set boundaries leaves you open to avoiding the tasks you know you should be doing but don’t feel capable of. 

For example, you may find it hard to say no to your partner who wants pizza for dinner or to say no to your friends who want to stay out for another round of drinks. You promised yourself you would eat better and go to the gym. You know these behaviors will disrupt your plans, yet you do them anyway.

Comparison

Social media offers us pages of inspiration, with the many fitness gurus out there it may make sense to turn to Instagram or TikTok for motivation, but self-comparison can quickly become a means of self-sabotage. 

Do you find yourself scrolling and scrolling, time slipping through your fingers, and by the time you had planned to go to the gym your motivation is less than when you started? You may even think, “Well what’s the point? I’ll never look like them”, or “I’ll never be able to do that.” So you simply don’t even try. 

Perfectionism

Although there is nothing wrong with wanting to do the best you can, striving always to be perfect can lead to an ‘all or nothing’ mindset. All-or-nothing thinking can lead to inaction when the situation isn’t ‘perfect’. If you consistently put something off until the circumstances are ideal, then chances are it’ll never get done. 

For example, you forgot the incredibly healthy lunch that you had prepared to take to work with you, instead of looking for the next best healthy alternative come lunchtime, you decide to just skip the healthy lunch altogether and get some fast food. 

Procrastination 

We want to put off things that cause us discomfort or pain, it's natural. Going to the gym may be uncomfortable for you at the start because it’s new, it makes your muscles hurt and you feel self-conscious. You may dwindle time with mundane tasks to avoid going to the gym. 

For example, you plan to go to the gym in the afternoon, and then find yourself reorganizing the kitchen cabinets or alphabetizing your books by author, and before you know it, there’s no time for the gym. 

Lack of ability to ask for help

Asking for help can be hard for many people. Communicating your feelings to those around you may feel overwhelming, and if you already feel self-conscious about a certain thing, then asking for help may feel like you are highlighting that weakness to others. 

For example, you have just started at the gym and have no idea what you are doing. Your friend is a big gym goer, and you know they could help point you in the right direction, but you are too nervous to admit that you don’t know what you are doing, so you do a subpar workout, knowing you would like to do more, but don’t know where to start.

Unrealistic goal setting

You may find yourself setting gargantuan and unrealistic goals for yourself. When you fail to reach those goals you feel worse about yourself and commit to your deep-rooted belief that you are a failure. 

For example, you are going on holiday next month, and you set the goal of dropping two dress sizes to fit into some old clothes before then. You may lose some weight, you may even feel better and look better, but you still think “Well, these clothes still don’t fit, so I’m a failure”.  

Substance abuse 

We all know that indulgence in substances isn’t great for our health, and doesn’t offer many benefits when it comes to our overall well-being, but some people can include these things in their lives in moderation without them being problematic. 

You might turn to substances such as alcohol or drugs to alleviate some stress in your life, or because you feel social peer pressure, only to realize that you become more stressed because these behaviors are prohibiting you from reaching your goals. 

For example, you may find yourself bingeing every weekend, more often than not feeling guilty and ashamed of your behavior because you continuously break promises to yourself and others. 

How can you overcome self-sabotage? 

1. Be mindful of your behaviors and develop self-awareness

Becoming more aware of your behaviors is the first step. Once you begin to notice how you self-sabotage, you can finally tackle overcoming them. Practice journaling, record the struggles you have faced, and dig deep to question why you think you behaved that way. 

1. Stop making excuses 

Often when we aren’t truly self-aware, we find ourselves making excuses and potentially blaming those around us, or our situations for why we didn’t achieve our goals. 

For example, your boss gave you too heavy a workload this week, so you couldn’t make it to the gym. Even though they asked you if you could work extra, and you agreed. 

Or, your partner kept you up late, so you were tired and cranky and ate lots of sugar all day. Even though your partner asked if you wanted to watch another episode, and you agreed. 

Try to acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions. 

1. Assess your values and priorities

You need to decide on what type of person you want to be. What are your values? What behaviors do you want to implement? Envision yourself in your perfect life. Be honest. What are you doing every day? If you want to be someone who gets up and goes to the gym every day, then you need to set boundaries within your life. You may need to make some sacrifices.  How can you make your actions align with your values?

1. Set reasonable and realistic goals - make a plan and stick to it

Find routine. Set your calendar up at the start of the week and plan your schedule realistically. How many times will you go to the gym, and when? When will you go shopping and prepare your healthy meals? Go as far as what time you will go to bed every night, and stick to it!

When it comes to goals, break them down into small manageable tasks so you don't feel so overwhelmed. Don’t imagine this insurmountable problem you have to solve, focus on the tiny steps you can do each day.

1. Communicate 

Having support from others will help hugely in overcoming your self-limiting beliefs. Tell your friends, family, or partner how you feel. Talk to them about your struggles, they care and want to be there for you. If you let them know what your goals are, and where you need their help to stick to your boundaries, you may be surprised how they rally beside you and encourage you to be your best self. 

1. Seek help from a therapist

You may realize you have been engaging in a lot of these behaviors for some time now, and the best thing you can do is get to the root cause. If you feel like you don’t have control of your actions, your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or your life, then seeking help from a therapist could be the answer.